chapter four my today entries

25 August 2020 :

Today I woke up at six turned my alarm of awoke again at 10 am. Went to take medication then of to the gym then ate my diet plan two eggs and a pot of sweetcorn .backed for the girls bday felt sad, hopeless as I want a night leave at man's .then went grounds leave getting ready to see the animals as there are so much land here.i sore rabbits and two donkeys. Watching ncis then brushing my teeth brush is in the office as batteries in them. Then went to bed.

26 th August 2020 last night I went ANE I swallowed batteries three as I wanted to die I've lost everything.smoke leave,and leave and grounds leave today I'm a little depressed and anxious regret it and emotions high.went hospital found out tomorrow I'm having an operation to remove the batteries.

28 th August 2020 

Went hospital seven hours for a oppression they then turned around and said I don't need it .so overwhelmed came back to stuff being taken out my room without me knowing I burst out crying in bed now watching film waiting to poo out the three batries.

Dear diary29 the August 2020:

Today I went on grounds leave, supported some friends and had a good day a patient tried to bring me down by saying I have no leave and actually said it so sat in bed with my pjs feeling quite low.

Monday 31 August 

Today I realised how much I miss my family and how much I want to go home six months left in eupd ward.i also wore a short top today and noticed the burn marks Wesley done and cried but now bed time dbt tomorrow .

1 St September today I have the dyed and this is splashing paint on a t shirt on a jumper and washing it out .today I was so annoyed they said I can’t see my family for four weeks at a time had a new doctor so they can’t afford transport I want to go closer to home. 

Wednesday 2 and September today I realised how much quick the time has gone here .today I found out I’m leaving in about three months I’m going supportive accommodation .ialso done a kitchen assessment it means I can have kitchen access .had a ca you have one every three months now in bed awaiting tomorrow.

Thursday 3rd September 

Today I went dbt learnt distress tolerance then had emdr done safe space while she tapped my hand it was weird but good .i then fell asleep so much but on a hole a good day apart from starting my period I’m sat in bed screams get of me and alarms how can I sleep.

Friday 4 September 

Today I went dbt Starbucks now in bed listening to screams again I practised safe space but I had two fags today I’m just scared of meeting everyone down again.

5 the September I did emdr chilled revised for theory test wrang little sister and cried I miss her so much my heart skips a mile when I speak to her and then read diary and fell asleep.

6 the September today I woke at eight eighteen for a few went group run a mindfullness session practiced for theory test then sat on toilet and sore glass why does this happen to me? And couldn’t surge the urge but now music and bed for me.

7 the so today has been so hard I sore my nan and had to say goodbye it was like an earthquake in my head emotions we’re everywhere and the screams are louder than ever it’s everyday I wonder sometimes why am I trapped here?

8 the September today has been another hard day last night I woke up from a nightmare I was sweeting my hart going ten to a dozen it felt like my heart was going to jump out it’s crazy how something not in the present can make you feel psycaly .

9 the September today I woke  up went dbt learnt radical acceptance then sore psychologist and we done light streaming which changes a pain tense in your body then my leave tight end to three times a day fag breaks also there is no screaming today.

10 the September today I woke up went for the first cigarette for the day went Starbucks shopping had so much fun then came back to screaming yet again this place can make you worse some people are ill and I’m on the road of recovery but ill always support my friends .

11 the September so I’ve done nothing all day only some diamond art fags and tv films the hangover it was so funny alarms going of today today was the first time I wanted to run away on my leave and just walk and be free and walk not with a care in the world but reality hit and I surfed the urge now sat in bed for the night.18 the September :

Today I’ve typed up my diary and got attacked by another patient because two patients we’re arguing I went to hit back but I have a probation officer. Now watching films in bed so tired but can’t sleep or I won’t tonight. Now bed time for me I think sat in bed thinking of how much I’ve hurt those close to me I wish I could go back and repairs those relationships I hate myself everyday why me why how I messed up at such a young age. I put my family and friends though so much I’m sorry it kills me.

19 th September : today has been a mess spoke bro , sister gave me hope. In the afternoon I burned my self with deodorant as the screams are so loud three hours later I’ve lost everything all my leave everything I’ve worked for my eupd for you hating life.

20 th September: today been so hard it hit me all I’ve lost and what friend gives you something to self harm with said the manger sat in bed after crying all day .

21 September :

Today is a bad day I’ve learned can’t have my leave for a whole week trapped in here for that long hating life crying constantly. Watched I see you on Netflix had a chill day struggling highly wish I was at home and my freedom wasn’t used against me .

22 September today I lay on the floor fed up and angry about miscommunication happening a lot around here but had emdr felt nervous as I didn’t want to do it but did now feeling emotionally bed feeling homesick.

23 September: today I awoke had film day and snacks refused dbt chilled in room thought about gym had flashback missing family sat in bed writing diary it’s the only thing that keeps me going to think I’ll be heard 

24 th September: today I awoke went art then watched film got family photos laminated. Realised what a good friend I’ve been to a friend here as she put it on Facebook when I feel I’ve just been kind and a friend. Now in bed and friend helped me though feeling depressed .