Chapter two part to of the horrendous torcher that excited in my life

Chapter two part to of the horrendous torcher that excited in my life

I was 13 and the men at this point we’re adding up. Each men were different races and had there own fetishes for example they would tie me up like 50 shades but forced but I learnt to look at random pictures on the walls in a room while Wesley would sit on the stairs waiting to make sure I done it right meanwhile he was making money of my body. When I got home I would scratch at my arms as I just felt numb just as if I was floating away further from who I was. I would read days little secret , listen to family portrait even though it wasn’t my dad it gave me comfort. I then got taken into the care system this is where my life got worse. I closed up putting on a mask fauling behind at school, becoming numb I ended up in a four bedroom care home we’re I would run away to meet Wesley shop shire to Birmingham quite a distance for a eighteen year old. I would get beaten up by the older kids and bullied. By this time self harming got worse. I then moved to a mental health home in Manchester I was there there months by then I had learnt self. Harm though burning but I felt safe .i was then in a rush to go home and left to my grandparents little did I know I would be trying to end my life in every way possible.

My family tried to help me but I was so lost I ended up in acute hospitals and intensive care for giving my self third degree burns but by this time I had learnt it was abuse but I was addicted to the love Wesley gave as he broke me down to not loving my self .i was always running away to were I was punched to the point I couldn’t even open my eyes (some people may wonder is that even love?). Then I would be injected with ketamine by this point I was working in a sex cinema we’re sex was illegal there but still went on petrified of Wesley I obeyed like a good little girl. I felt dirty and like a slag the sex weren’t even all protected I feel pregnant twice I was going to call her April if a girl and top if we’re a boy unfortunately I miss carried this effected me humungesley I feel I was seeing my future was getting further away .my nan was so supportive but though out we would argue. She couldn’t see why I would like to have a rapists baby but I just thought they would be nothing like him. My nan wanted to kill them for hurting her baby .

The following year I was sixteen fauling behind on gcses taking cocaine to feel happy again.

My flashbacks we’re so bad I put a chair by a door being to get out esoterically  crying to get out with no recollection I  had put the chair there fight of flight response. In hospital iI was on a section three of the mental health act this meant when I tried to self harm they would restrain me to keep me safe .i would then dissociate and lash out one night I set the fire alarms of and escaped met Wesley as he was the only one who didn’t huge my mental health. That night a bottle was broke inside my vigina  leaking blood inside I had to go hospital the looks I had I felt so judged and like it was my fault I felt ashamed.They had to remove the glass internally this was so embracing and painfully.my modern slavery worker I had due to getting refferd to nrm national refusal mechanism I had a positive trafficking status by the home office. The only one who truly understood me. I would be supported to do numerous please report but due to dissociating when talking about it I couldn’t do it plus they weren’t trained in Asperger’s this didn’t help. They also sore me as an underage prostute I gave up with the system and the nhs to help me as they done zero safeguarding even though  I was a vulnerable child at the time I got let down by services a lot.

Over the next few weeks I learned to trust my worker more and more everyday I would brake down crying people picking on me because I would cry this knocked my confidence about it coming out worse.They didn’t know how much I was going though and that I was in pain.

While I was having the sessions I came closer to my story being known to those closest .i would act out because of the stress I would carry on my shoulders thinking one day may be to late sometimes he was nice but he started to switch a bit this was unpredictable. I then went into foster care we’re I ran away constantly and push every one else away I would be told my mom didn’t love me she did and she was a great mom to me .i would put myself in danger that one night changed everything I was made to take ketamine which is a house trancliser I lost control that I thought I had. At this point I ran away from school on the Monday morning as I couldn’t cope and stood on a bridge remembering that I was trapped and it would be so easy to jump my teachers sore me on the bridge from the field of the school and rang police I remember being on the edge. The only thing that stopped me was knowing I was loved. At this point I trusted my worker and broke down she desired me and understood she said she would help me go to the police as it was trafficking

I knew the people at the hospital would never understand me or accept me but I tried to tell them. I’ve lost myself at this point the police interviews went crap I froze up saying what happens so bluntley like dick I felt ashamed and embareced I already had Asperger’s which got in the way of my communications by this time I was told he had done it to other girls by a professional but the justice system your incident intill proven guilty I felt so let down till this day I in 2020 I wish I could go back and open up or go back and tell my mom when it first happens. Hospitals are the same they let you self harm problem behave or try and end your life until it’s to late and after twenty one admissions now am I only getting support in a eupd ward unstable personality disorder this means I have trauma I can’t cope with my emotions. There is a compensation for abuse people have suffered but due to my ptsd in a restraint in hospital I went crown court charged with adult on emergency worker I can not receive it now which doesn’t make sense my trauma hasn’t gone away and if I wasn’t hurt in the first place I wouldn’t be stopped hurting myself I wanted to hurt me not them..

Now I want you to think about if you wrote a letter to your younger self what would you say__________________

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_______   ______ _____  ______________     ____________________________________

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Now I want you to circle how you feel daily:

Monday.        Sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Tuesday sad happy agitated emotional worried 

Wednesdays sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Thursday

sad happy agitated emotional worried 

Friday  sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Sataday sad happy agitated emotional worried  sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried

Sunday  sad happy agitated emotional worried sad.     Happy.  Excited scared